When Advice Has Sharp, Sharp, Bitey Teeth

The other day, while walking my dog, a woman slowed her bright red Lincoln Navigator, stuck her head out the window and yelled, "They have poop bags over there [pointing] and there [another point] for your dog!"

Most people would have thought this a kind, helpful tip. Heck, we all want to keep the area clean and no one likes to step in a fresh (or stale) pile of dog remembrance. (In fact, there's an unofficial  policy that's followed here in Austin for the non-picker-uppers. Refuse to pick up the doo, screw you. "Sean, get the pliers because we've got some fingernails to pull out. [Turning to offender.] Why couldn't you just pick up after Muffy?")  

BUT here's my response.

"SHE"S PEEING!"

Yes, it seemed helpful but it was completely irrelevant to my situation. It's like going up to a parrot, offering it a side of beef and not understanding when it opts for the sunflower seed. That there, my feathered, beaky friend, is Kobe.

And that extends to marketing messages as well.

You may have been in your industry for ages or perhaps just coming into it but the number one sin in marketing is not knowing your clients and prospects and what they're thinking. Sometimes, you get so wrapped up in the company and what it is doing that you forget to reach out to the audience to get some feedback. I've been guilty of it. And I know others who have as well. So here are some ideas of how to keep perspective and not offer advice or information to your audience that won't hit the mark.

Pull Out the Three-Year-Old Brat that Asks "Why" A Lot 


When you walk into a new job, you always hear from everyone what you should think and feel about your company's products and/or services. "Here's what the industry thinks of us. Here's how we compare to the others. Here's our most important feature." Sure, these may come from very smart people with very smart experience. But a loss of perspective can hit even the most expert professionals. Don't settle for the spiel. Ask why. Why does the market think this way? What motivators within the industry are indicative of this position? Why do you think this way? Does the company overall think this way? Why? Pull that word out every chance you get because I guarantee you that it'll yield some nice returns (and a couple of temper tantrums, but keep pushing.)

Source it Out, Baby

As a companion piece to "Why?", go to the source for all good, valuable and potentially resetting information. In this case, it often means go to clients and prospects.  Be it surveys, phone calls, chats with media or even competitors, ask for the low down on your company. What's its reputation? What have you heard from clients who have worked with it? What's its biggest flaw? What's its biggest strength? Sure you might get some unwanted news, but without it you can't begin to do a relevant and compelling marketing message. AND it'll introduce new considerations when it comes to communications, product development and client relations.

So there you have it: A few rudimentary methods to halt the process of offering unwanted and completely worthless advice (aka messaging) to the people you're wooing. Know thy audience, marketer!

Someone call SyFy - I got their next movie

Is it just me or does this whole crashing a rocket into the moon sound like the beginning of a sci-fi movie? Invasion of the Body Snatchers anyone? Or perhaps: The moon blowback sends a wave of alien viruses into the earth's atmosphere, mutating people into spitting, rabid zombies. Ordinary people will be forced to take up arms - guns, tire irons, broomsticks - to [insert dramatic music] fight ... for ... their ... lives.

If you need me, I'll be hunkered down in the back of the closet, muttering to myself and drinking moonshine.

The Titans are Punishing Me

Yes - the ancient Greek and/or Roman titans have banded together to sentence me to router hell. My trusty HP laptop, heavy with overloaded software, took one update too many and disgorged my ability to connect to my wireless router. That leaves me in Hades - tethered to an umbilical Internet connection, unable to type away carelessly from my sofa perch.

Drivers forsake me. Microsoft jests at my misfortune. HP taunts me with pop-ups (thanks for telling me five times in 3 minutes that you're saving my battery life when I'm plugged in to an outlet.) After hours of surfing for answers, it's proven to be more fruitless than Atlas rolling back and forth.

The Titans may have sent me 12 computer labors, but I shall subvert the power of Hercules to act concerned and make others handle this for me. Beware in-laws and quasi-close friends who work in IT! I shall descend upon you with inane questions and then distrust your diagnosis. From this moment on, I shall work no more with tethers!

Churchin' it Up

Supporting my goal to do something new every day, Sunday found me in church. No - the foundation didn't rattle and I was not struck my lightening, but thanks for your concern. Rather, service took place in a middle school down the street, smack dab in between the huddled up cafeteria tables and the serving line. This was the church's first weekly service and as a walk-in I constituted about 1/2 of the service's visitors. The other 18 people were all associated with the church - preacher, preacher's wife, greeters, stage hands, guitarist, bongo player ... You get the idea. So my entrance sparked the same prairie dog response you see in the cubicled office - lots of heads turning, craning for a look. If I were one for entrances, I would have popped off a queenly hand wave and given them permission to kiss my hem. Good thing I'm not since that probably would not have gone over well.

The service was fine - lots of very faithful praising. The guitarist, who took the stage after every other sentence or so, most likely excelled at leading prayer. Most likely because he had a tendency to mumble which put his prayers into a mold like this: Dear God, we mmmbbmm sbmmbss mmmbmmm and thank you mmsnnmmsm ...

Now, I was raised Lutheran. Lutherans tend to hold back on emoting. Our services follow a set pattern - opening, song, Bible readings, sermon, song, communion, song, benediction - and that's a wrap! Thanks for coming. Folks keep their heads down. As much as I'd like to think this is the norm, most folks are a little livelier in their praising - hands held up, shaking, etc. I tend to snail up in these moments - Retreat to the shell! Retreat to the shell! I just can't help it - it's an automatic reaction. So, I did do my share of snailing during this service.

The only regret: That they did light up the disco ball that was hanging in the cafeteria. I have no idea why it was there, but it could have added a whole 'nother dimension to this bad boy.

Dog maws and business leashes

This morning's gig? Chasing after my dog in an (albeit half-hearted) attempt to get my Blackberry out of her piehole.

Two reasons for the less-than-enthused recovery operation:

1. I'm not married to fancy gadgets so it's an old phone; and
2. It's a work phone so why bust my ass in order to make it easier for me to work?

And PS: She's much bigger now then in this picture. And quick. Scary quick.

The Blight of Healthcare Ads

Why why why must we be assaulted with cartoon personifications of embarrassing health problems? Lamisil insists on little yellow devil creatures to illustrate the complicated concept of athlete's foot. Mucinex has a gelatinous green blob bopping around having parties in hacking people's chests. And don't even getting me started on the talking wart. What's next? Lippy tampons? Dancing enemas? Tour guide Ipecacs?

Advertisers: Have faith in America. Even though our activity levels are dropping and our pant sizesare increasing, we're still capable of identifying basic health problems without the rip-off Disney-from-hell characters walking us through it.